No Refunds Theatre Co.
A Brief Origin Story
We make good plays. Give us Money.
MONEY MONEY MONEY. Please give us your money. We have entertained you.
DIDN'T YOU ENJOY YOUR ENTERTAINMENT? Well, you've had your fun, now
pay for it! With money!
What's this? You don't want to give us free money? Well, then take a
drink of this mysterious beer. We brewed it ourselves. Go on, drink
it!
Now smoke these curious cigars, delicious, eh? Now shoot some pool at
the Pleasure Island pool hall! I order you!
Now don't you feel funny? GASP! You have sprouted a tail! EGAD! Your
ears are long and equestrian! HOLY CRAP! Your teeth are ponderous
large! Why the long face? Because you're turning into a donkey, you
fool!
HA HA HA!
Doesn't this remind you of Pinnochio? That's where we got the idea!
Now march! March you donkey cheapskate, down into the dungeon with the
others.
HA HA HA! Here you will slave your life away working for No Refunds
Theatre Co. until the end of your worthless life of enslavement!
What's this? It's too hard for a donkey who only has hooves and not
opposable thumbs to hold a hammer and nail sets together or apply make
up to our actors' pretty faces? You should have thought about that
before you didn't give us your money! Now work! Work! WORK!
HA HA HA!
No Refunds Theatre Co.
Ass-Powered Theatre since 2002
Our Board Members
Matt Dawson
Matt is a mystery to the scientific community. Matt knows your mother, but she doesn't know him. Matt watches Mr. Belevedere with the lights out and sits far too close to the TV. Matt's special technique is the Flying Burrito Fist. Matt was born on the back of a motorcycle in the Mexican desert. Matt once ate a pound of butter in 10 minutes. Matt can withstand the powers of ALL the Dinobots. Matt's life meter never goes below 71 even without cheat codes. Matt grew up quick and he grew up mean. Matt throws a bowling ball like he's got 10 frames left to live. Matt is King of the Gypsies.
Christopher Howie
Christopher Howie loves beer. He also loves theatre. Lucky
for him he found two other donkeys with whom he could found
a company that ties the two together. Though lacking in
marketable skills like Matt Dawson's Flying Burrito Fist or
Gabe Llanas' spandex-wearing ability, Mr. Howie more than
compensates by championing kicks to the groin and fart jokes
to be an integral part of any No Refunds Theatre Co.
production. (Ed. note: this is one of the many reasons why
we have three decision makers.) His acting debut came as
the role of Claudius in Kung Fu Hamlet, and if you saw those
performances you know how fortunate this fool is to have
co-founded his own theatre company. Seriously, if he does
that "craaaaazy" thing one more time his own mother is going
to kick his ass.
Gabe Llanas
Gabe was cloned during the Carter presidency by combining the DNA of some of history's greatest Kenoshans: Don Ameche, Al Molinaro, Mark Ruffalo and Orson Welles. Unfortunately the most important DNA of all (Sgt. Slaughter's) was not successfully retrieved and they used frog DNA to fill in the holes in the genetic code. This explains why on the full moon Gabe spontaneously changes into a vicious Tyrannosaurus Rex, just like Grimlock. His goal in life is to hug Julie Andrews.
Matt Dawson
Matt is a mystery to the scientific community. Matt knows your mother, but she doesn't know him. Matt watches Mr. Belevedere with the lights out and sits far too close to the TV. Matt's special technique is the Flying Burrito Fist. Matt was born on the back of a motorcycle in the Mexican desert. Matt once ate a pound of butter in 10 minutes. Matt can withstand the powers of ALL the Dinobots. Matt's life meter never goes below 71 even without cheat codes. Matt grew up quick and he grew up mean. Matt throws a bowling ball like he's got 10 frames left to live. Matt is King of the Gypsies.
Christopher Howie
Christopher Howie loves beer. He also loves theatre. Lucky
for him he found two other donkeys with whom he could found
a company that ties the two together. Though lacking in
marketable skills like Matt Dawson's Flying Burrito Fist or
Gabe Llanas' spandex-wearing ability, Mr. Howie more than
compensates by championing kicks to the groin and fart jokes
to be an integral part of any No Refunds Theatre Co.
production. (Ed. note: this is one of the many reasons why
we have three decision makers.) His acting debut came as
the role of Claudius in Kung Fu Hamlet, and if you saw those
performances you know how fortunate this fool is to have
co-founded his own theatre company. Seriously, if he does
that "craaaaazy" thing one more time his own mother is going
to kick his ass.
Gabe Llanas
Gabe was cloned during the Carter presidency by combining the DNA of some of history's greatest Kenoshans: Don Ameche, Al Molinaro, Mark Ruffalo and Orson Welles. Unfortunately the most important DNA of all (Sgt. Slaughter's) was not successfully retrieved and they used frog DNA to fill in the holes in the genetic code. This explains why on the full moon Gabe spontaneously changes into a vicious Tyrannosaurus Rex, just like Grimlock. His goal in life is to hug Julie Andrews.