No Refunds Theatre Co.
A Brief Origin Story
We make good plays. Give us Money.
MONEY MONEY MONEY. Please give us your money. We have entertained you. DIDN’T YOU ENJOY YOUR ENTERTAINMENT? Well, you’ve had your fun, now pay for it! With money!
What’s this? You don’t want to give us free money? Well, then take a drink of this mysterious beer. We brewed it ourselves. Go on, drink it!
Now smoke these curious cigars, delicious, eh? Now shoot some pool at the Pleasure Island pool hall! I order you!
Now don’t you feel funny? GASP! You have sprouted a tail! EGAD! Your ears are long and equestrian! HOLY CRAP! Your teeth are ponderous large! Why the long face? Because you’re turning into a donkey, you fool!
HA HA HA!
Doesn’t this remind you of Pinnochio? That’s where we got the idea! Now march! March you donkey cheapskate, down into the dungeon with the others.
HA HA HA! Here you will slave your life away working for No Refunds Theatre Co. until the end of your worthless life of enslavement!
What’s this? It’s too hard for a donkey who only has hooves and not opposable thumbs to hold a hammer and nail sets together or apply make up to our actors’ pretty faces? You should have thought about that before you didn’t give us your money! Now work! Work! WORK!
HA HA HA!
No Refunds Theatre Co.
Ass-Powered Theatre since 2002
Our Board Members
Matt Dawson - Artistic Director
Matt is a mystery to the scientific community. Matt knows your mother, but she doesn’t know him. Matt watches Mr. Belevedere with the lights out and sits far too close to the TV. Matt’s special technique is the Flying Burrito Fist. Matt was born on the back of a motorcycle in the Mexican desert. Matt once ate a pound of butter in 10 minutes. Matt can withstand the powers of ALL the Dinobots. Matt’s life meter never goes below 71 even without cheat codes. Matt grew up quick and he grew up mean. Matt throws a bowling ball like he’s got 10 frames left to live. Matt is King of the Gypsies. E-mail Matt Dawson at firstname.lastname@example.org
Christopher Howie - Managing Director
Christopher Howie loves beer. He also loves theatre. Lucky for him he found two other donkeys with whom he could found a company that ties the two together. Though lacking in marketable skills like Matt Dawson’s Flying Burrito Fist or Gabe Llanas’ spandex-wearing ability, Mr. Howie more than compensates by championing kicks to the groin and fart jokes to be an integral part of any No Refunds Theatre Co. production. (Ed. note: this is one of the many reasons why we have three decision makers.) His acting debut came as the role of Claudius in Kung Fu Hamlet, and if you saw those performances you know how fortunate this fool is to have co-founded his own theatre company. Seriously, if he does that “craaaaazy” thing one more time his own mother is going to kick his ass. E-mail Christopher Howie at email@example.com
Sensei Maj. Carl Tiberius Fury - Resident Ninjutsu instructor, fight consultant, and twitter content provider
Carl Tiberius Fury is a native of Postville, Iowa. He began training in Tae Kwon Do when he was 9 years old, receiving his black belt when he was 14. While continuing his studies in TKD, he also began exploring other arts, including Wing Tsun Kung Fu, Muay Thai, and Jujistsu. After high school he enlisted in the US. Army and was stationed in Okinawa in 1996. While there he took up training in Shotokan Karate. Towards the end of his deployment, he was involved in a mysterious boating accident, during which he saved the life of one of his fellow Karate students. After this incident, the student revealed to Sensei Fury that he was actually a student of Tengu Ryu Ninjustsu, a 500 year old branch of Ninjustsu and the most closely guarded secret of the Iga Ninja Clan. Sensei Fury was allowed to undertake their training. Already a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and a student of Kung Fu, for the last 10 years sensei Fury underwent the most grueling, intensive training of his life to master the 7 arts of Tengu Ryu Ninjustsu. Not only is he the only non-Japanese student in the entire clan, but he also has taken the art from the hidden temple in the mountains of Iga and has brought it back to the United States, and act which has earned him the enmity of the Iga masters, and a death sentence from the clan.
Sensei Fury currently tweets for No Refunds while not training.
Leviticus Tupac O’Rielly – No Refunds Theatre Co Intern Emeritus
- Yearbook, Ottumwa High School 2004-2005
- Golf Team, Ottumwa Falcons, 2002-2005
- Played Tevya in UNI Drama Department’s production of “Fiddler on the Roof”
I feel I am qualified and excited to be a part of your team. I am very interested in the theater and have always wanted to create important theatrical pieces. I believe if you hire me you will always be happy.
Gabe Llanas - West Coast Ambassador
Gabe was cloned during the Carter presidency by combining the DNA of some of history’s greatest Kenoshans: Don Ameche, Al Molinaro, Mark Ruffalo and Orson Welles. Unfortunately the most important DNA of all (Sgt. Slaughter’s) was not successfully retrieved and they used frog DNA to fill in the holes in the genetic code. This explains why on the full moon Gabe spontaneously changes into a vicious Tyrannosaurus Rex, just like Grimlock. His goal in life is to hug Julie Andrews.