Alright, alright, Adoring Public. Yes, I DO have some explaining to do.
Yes, yes, it’s been 4 months since my last log-in with the bloggin. And I do acknowledge (against the advice of counsel…by which I mean the ninja) that breach of unspoken, non-binding contract between you, the Adoring Public, and me, the Boom. I make with the funny funny, and you make with the ready-ready. Or, in some cases, the outragey-outragey.
Like alcohol and sports, or Chowie and the Lysol company, ours is a symbiotic relationship. And my egregious absence has broken the circle of life between us.
But here I am, Adoring Public, boombox raised, parole board satisfied, trying to get you at hello. I’m here to build bridges, to heal wounds, to prove to you and the Hennepin County district attorney that I’ve turned my life around.
And the first step is to explain to you just exactly why I’ve been 4 months away. See, Adoring Public, my dog ate my internet connection. I had a flat tire. I lost my fingers to frostbite. Really, it wasn’t my fault.
Okay, no, so really, because I respect you, the reader, so very much, I’m going to come clean for real. Even though this could put me in mortal danger, I’m going to tell you why I’ve been absent like courtesy from public discourse.
The truth, Adoring Public, is that I’ve been on a secret mission.
There. I didn’t want to say it, but there it is, out there.
I’ll even tell you what the secret mission was. But not now. Right now I have to skip out on the bill at an upscale café. Tune in tomorrow to learn the true nature of Matty’s entirely non-pornographic undercover operations.
For his pornographic undercover operations…contact your mom.
Sneech. (I’m back, baby!)
Until next time, I remain,
An international man of mystery.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.