Public Radio does it. All those people with cancer do it. The guy on the corner who smells like tires does it too, so why shouldn’t No Refunds? No reason at all, except maybe dignity, which has never counted with us. And thus, I give you:
No Refunds Theatre Company’s
That’s right, in our efforts to be a real legit grown-up theatre company, we’ve decided to beg like the big boys. We have a lot of really exciting, really cool stuff coming up in our ‘08/’09 season, but we need your support to make it happen.
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “Why should I give money to No Refunds?”
You big scrooge, you. Going around saying stuff like that..
Why, I can think of 11 reasons, right now!
1. Because all the cool kids are doing it.
2. Because our tickets are affordable, and we want to keep it that way.
3. Because our shows are fun, not preachy.
4. Because our casts are full of folks who never thought they’d be actors.
5. Because our audiences are full of folks who don’t go to theatre.
6. Because you can get some sweet, sweet No Refunds crap!
7. Because Mama needs a new pair of shoes.
8. Because we do stuff that has never been seen onstage.
8b. Because we manage to pull it off.
9. Because looks like this don’t come cheap.
10. Because we let high schools and students use our scripts free of charge
11. And this is a big one (like yer mom), so get ready: Because we’re about to revolutionize Theatre and the Internet! Everybody’s got their webpage, with a blog and directions and online ticketing and all that everyday, plain-jane, vanilla ice cream, standard issue crap that The Suits think is so cutting edge. We’re gonna bust it all wide open come 2008. Online communities writing and directing plays, Interactive video game plays, and more shows that bridge the gap between the web and the boards. Keep watchin’ our website for more info.
Oh, also because it’s TAX DEDUCTABLE. Get rid of all that unsightly income before the new year! Keep the government’s filthy hands off your money by placing it squarely in No Refunds’ filthy hands.
So now I’ve convinced you that you actually want to give us money, but you’re confused about how much? Well just calm down, we’ll get through this. We actually have a convenient system in place. Please take a moment to inspect the Official No Refunds Mooch 2007 Guide to Your Money attached to this email.
What does your money do when you give it to us? Heh heh…”give it to us” heh, that’s innuendo…
Well, we use your money to pay local actors, writers, directors and other artists. We use it to rent space to rehearse and perform. And if there’s any left over we spend it on Nut Goodies and Vin Diesel movies.
In fact, when you pass us a sweaty wad of cash under the table, or send us a check, or e-donate your digital dollars, you can choose the project you want your filthy blood money to support:
Our upcoming shows:
What’s Done in the Dark
A Graphic Novel Onstage
Over forty years ago, a boy appeared at a murder scene. He hadn’t seen the crime, didn’t know victim or the murderer, but he could tell the police exactly what was done, by whom, and for what reasons. For the next 30 years he assisted the police, leaving no crime unsolved. Then he disappeared.
This is the story of The Witness.
After ruining Shakespeare, Kung Fu, Zombies, 80’s Sitcoms, Reality TV, and 3,000-year old Chinese War manuals (not to mention yer mom), the Theatrical Alchemists of No Refunds Theatre Co. bring the Graphic Novel to the stage in an original piece,
Coming to the Red Eye Theatre, Feb 29th - March 16th 2008
This play is rated PG-13, for language and adult situations. For real.
No Refunds Theatre Co Presents:
Sun Tzu’s Art of War
Adapted by Charlie Bethel and Matt Dawson
The 3,000 year old manual on War’s practice and philosophy. Used throughout history by generals and businessmen with ruthlessly effective results – ignored by countless administrations with ruthlessly not-so-effective results, now on stage! And Funny! Narrated for your pleasure by John Middleton, and illustrated for your pain by the No Refunds Ninjas.
Back by popular demand for the 2008 MN Fringe Festival
Grand Theft Odyssey
The next chapter in No Refunds’ taking a timeless classic and bringing it down to our cheap, cheap level: You’re Odysseus, all the best booty of Troy is in your boat, now all you have to do is get back to Ithaka. Greece is yours to explore in the first ever interactive video game/stage play ever. Keep watching the website for updates and information!
…and our ongoing projects:
Focus on the Fonkey Initiative
(Help pay our actors!)
Our Fight Donkeys – or “Fonkeys” if you favor truncation – have been the backbone of No Refunds from the beginning. From our first, brilliant staging of KFH, it was those hard working, hard hitting, hard bleeding Fonkeys that got up there and were fast as lightning, night after night. They’ve given up their blood, dignity, and most of their mobility in their old age for your amusement. And now it’s time to give something back. With your generous donation, you can help us keep our Fonkeys in hot-pockets and ibuprofen. In exchange for your generous contribution, we’ll send you a picture of the Fonkey you helped sponsor, as well as a personal letter from them, telling you in their own words about the difference you’ve made in their ultimately inconsequential lives.
Matt’s Mama’s Peace of Mind Foundation
The Keep Matty Boom Boom out of Jail Foundation
It’s hard work staying on the sweet side of Johnny Law these days, and expensive too! Letters of incorporation, Minnesota Non-Profit filing, public urination laws, and don’t even get me started on copywright. Sheesh! Staying legit in the eyes of city hall takes the know-how of people with considerably more student loans than I. We gotta keep from getting sued and protect our million-dollar ideas (A Rock-Opera about Pinball!). That takes lawyers fees, and as OJ will tell you, that ain’t cheap.
Your donations help our Lawyers to keep our collective noses clean. Don’t do it for me, do it for my mother.
The No Refunds Rowdy Owlbears!
Some companies sponsor bowling teams, some adopt highways, No Refunds sponsors a crack team of trained man-killers. Last year our 3 deadly fonkeys Chad ” +5 Constitution” Gallagher, Michelle “Fists of Foxy” Dickinson, and Dr. Allen “Petunia” Wong raged through the St Paul River Center at the Diamond National Martial Arts Competition. And what’s more, every single one of them placed in the top 5 nationally in every category in which they competed!
That, my generous benefactors, is called delivering the goods, and that is what No Refunds is about. This time we want to actually cover their entry fees. And by “we” I actually mean you. For your support you’ll get a No Refunds Rowdy Owlbears Penant, a tooth from an opponent taken in single combat, and the satisfaction of helping us quash, cripple, and kick-to-the-groin all those parading dandies from across the country who buy the uniform and think they can roll with us.
Help us go Han Dynasty on their asses.
So that’s the pitch folks. We’re 5 years old, and we’re proud of our little company. We’ve done a lot of great stuff thanks to your support and applause, but we need your help if we’re going to continue to embarass ourselves for your entertainment.
Did you chuckle during this email? Did you laugh? Is that worth a dollar?
We’re not making money on this - we’re called a non-profit for a reason. We just want to be able to pay our bills and keep making you laugh. We don’t really do it for the money anyway, we do it for love. And twinkies.
And we promise not to Mooch more than once a year.
So send us a check (payable to No Refunds Theatre Co. c/o Christopher Howi e, 111 E. Kellogg Blvd. #1209, St. Paul, MN 55101), or you could do this:
Thank you for your kind attention and support, and so I close by saying, with all possible hope that it be true: Your Money is Now Ours.
Good night, and Good luck.
Matty Boom Boom, Artistoricus Directoricus
Chowie, Directorialis Managiorialis